who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
