i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
