saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
