My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
