so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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