My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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