god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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