Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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