im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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