yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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