Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
