I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
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He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
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