I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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