So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
