Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
