I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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