I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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