My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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