I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
