So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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