I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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