I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
