Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
