Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Houston, we have a blender
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
