peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
