I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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