There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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