every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
