I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
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You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
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Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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