I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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