My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
