listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Floor bacon is actually really good
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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