Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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