I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
