I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.