you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
