I got chris browned last night
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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