my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
