I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
