Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
