mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
