she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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