Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
