Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
