i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I want you more than these girls want KFC
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
