He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
