i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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