Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
