hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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