OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
