I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
