Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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