I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
