Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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