dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
