and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
