I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
They have beer where we have blood.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
