i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
