WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
