I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
