my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
